Lost and Found
by IheartTV 'tv-luvin-hottie
Summary: A timeline of the major events in Shelby's life... Losing Trust previously a one-shot , and a new chapter Losing Hurt
1. Losing Trust

**Lost and Found  
-**A timeline of events in Shelby's life.

Disclaimer: I don't own higher ground or anything etc.

AN/ I decided to group my oneshots on Shelby's life- thus the new title, this chapter has very minor corrections.

**Losing Trust.  
**Preview: Inside Shelby's head, the first time Walt abused her.

HGHGHGHG

It was my 10th birthday, I'd been looking forward to it for months, the party, the cake, the presents… now I wish I didn't, I wish I'd never had a 10th birthday, I wish I'd never got any presents, mainly I wish I never got his 'special' present, the present that changed my life, took away my trust, too my childhood.

I still remember, 6 years later I still remember every second of that night , of what he did.

He came into my room, it was really late, everyone else was in bed asleep. It wasn't the first time he'd come into my room at night, he had been doing it for months before that night, but he didn't do anything, just snuggled up to me, stroking my hair and whispering to me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was, I used to like it, I used to feel special, now I just feel dirty.

I wish I could have stayed 9 years old forever, then he wouldn't have touched me, used me, molested me…

He started like usual, telling me I was special, beautiful, and he kept talking about how grown up I was now, in that moment I felt so big and strong, like I could have taken on the world, now that I have I realise how young I really was, how childish my feelings were… and I wish I could feel like that again, happy, carefree, safe, but I know I cant. My innocence, my childhood, was taken by him on my 10th birthday.

I remember the very moment I realized it was going to be different, he was lightly stroking my arm moving down, closer and closer to my leg, I looked up at him and there was this look in his eyes, desire, purely desire. At the time I didn't understand, in some ways I still don't, but I've seen that look enough to know- he wanted me.

I was frozen, I didn't know what to do, it didn't feel right, be he said it was, and I trusted him, I loved him, I saw him as a father, he was meant to protect me.

As he started stroking my thigh he whispered "you're a big girl now"

As he started taking off my pants "don't be scared Kitten"

As he took off my underwear "this is how big girls show love…"

As he touched me "I love you kitten"

Somehow his boxers were gone, I never saw how, but the next thing I knew he was naked, putting his fingers in me, it hurt, I was terrified, I tried to scream, to call out for someone to help me, but he covered my mouth, started playing with my hair fondly as he threatened me, and my little sister..

"I love you kitten, I love you more than you can imagine, I love you more than I love you mother and I love you more than your sister… you don't want me to love my princess more than my kitten do you?"

It only took me a second to understand what he was saying, if I screamed, if I told anyone what he did he would hurt jess too. I couldn't let that happen, she was so young, I had to protect her.

"No, don't touch Jess, leave her alone!" I nearly screamed at him.

He just smiled, "then let me love you."

And I did.

I closed my eyes as he got on top of me, I thought about my childhood, the things I did, dancing, jumping rope, playing dolls with Jess, childish things, sweet and innocent things, the things I would never be able to do again. 

And I thought about my sister, I imagined her asleep in her bed, safe, peaceful, innocent, all the things I wasn't, all the things I was giving up for her, to let her stay a child like we both should have, it gave me the strength to stay silent, to save her…


	2. Losing Hurt

**Lost and Found**

AN/ people have been saying that Walt never raped her, but molested her. I thought he raped her, because in 'Because it's there' when Shelby found out Walt abused Jess too she said '_did he make you have sex with him_' that's rape, and she wouldn't have asked that if he hadn't made her too… so I think he did.

**Losing Hurt.  
**Preview: Shelby runs away- for the first time

HGHGHG

I was 13 when I ran away for the first time. It was then that I realized she didn't care about me. She didn't look for me, Walt did. He called the police, he looked for me, he dragged me home again. Three guesses why right. But it taught me something about my family, my mom didn't care about me, she didn't care what happened to me, I could tell her about Walt and she wouldn't care, she wouldn't do anything about it, she probably wouldn't even believe me. If Jess had told her something, she would have believed her, she was the good child, the perfect one, even when we were kids, she was always nice and quiet and polite, I was louder, more active, then after Walt I became rebellious, I didn't care what anyone thought or said, or even what they did, I didn't care about anyone except Jess and Walt, they were my life, the light and the darkness, I tried to convince myself I could live with that, with everything Walt did, as long as Jess was ok, as long as she was happy and safe, but I was just a kid too, eventually it got too much, and I had to get away.

So I packed a bag. I took as much as I could fit, but only important stuff, stuff I needed, like clothes and money… and a picture of me and Jess, I would miss her, but I thought she would be better without me and my 'bad influence' as mom called it. I knew mom wouldn't miss me, why would she? I think that's what finally pushed me away. I'd had the bag packed for weeks, thinking about running away, every night after Walt visited my room, but I always chickened out, decided I would wait one more night, thought about where I would go, and how I would say goodbye to Jess. Should I tell her, leave her a note, write her a letter after I'd left… but I could never decide, so I stayed.

One day I got in a fight at school. The other kids were teasing me, as usual, and one guy took it too far. I don't even remember what happened exactly, but I do remember mom walking into the principal's office and the glare she sent me, if looks could kill I would have died right then, and in a way I did. I was 13 years old, sitting in a chair in the principal's office with cuts and bruises all over me, but I didn't cry. The other kid did, he was balling his eyes out when we were both dragged to the nurses' office, but I refused to cry, I couldn't anymore, I was too scared to, scared that once I started I would never stop. The principal was talking to me, trying to work out how the fight started when mom walked in. In that second I realized it, my mom hated me. I was a disgrace, an inconvenience in her life, everything was my fault.

"Shelby. What have you done now?" she growled at me, her voice full of malice.

I just looked at my sneakers, there was no point telling her, explaining that it wasn't my fault, that I didn't start it, because she wouldn't believe me, everything was my fault. So I just sat there and took it.

"Mrs. Blaine, from what I've been told, Shelby didn't cause the fight-" Mr. Walker, the principal, tried to explain.

"What lies have you been telling now Shelby? Huh. Look at me!" she demanded, so I turned and looked at her.

"Tell me the truth, did you start the fight?"

"No. I didn't start-"

"Stop lying. Get up, we're going home. I'm getting too old for this Shelby; you're getting too old for this. Why can't you be a good girl, like Jess?"

"I wish I could" I replied quietly as she dragged me out of Mr. Walker's office.

That night Walt visited my room for the last time, and I fell asleep trembling in my bed for the last time, for the next day, I was leaving.

HGHGHG

I woke up early the next morning, having a quick shower to try and wash the memories of Walt away, knowing that it wouldn't work, that I'd never be clean. I gave up when Jess started banging on the door telling me to hurry up. I got out and threw on some clothes before leaving the bathroom. Back in my bedroom I put on some makeup then packed it in my bag before going downstairs to grab some food to take with me. At breakfast that morning I had to 

force the smile from my lips, if I smiled they would be suspicious, because I never smiled- not anymore. But I couldn't help it, today, for the first time in years, I felt hope, because today, I was leaving my nightmare.

It was pretty warm out, the sun was shining, birds were singing and the sky was bright blue with no clouds. It was perfect out, and for the first time in years I took it all in, it matched my mood perfectly. Nothing about this day could be less perfect I thought as I paid the bus driver for my ticket. I hadn't asked him where it was going, and I didn't care, as long as it was far, far away…


End file.
